How Long, Lord? Trusting God Through Pain, Doubt, and Waiting
- My Art of Vision
- Aug 2
- 4 min read
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Psalms 13:1-6 (NIV)
1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.
I found myself asking the same question David did: How long, Lord?
I sat crying, wondering when it would stop. My head still hurt, I felt weak, I was barely sleeping—and the list went on. I prayed and constantly heard, “Trust in God.” But I questioned—What exactly am I trusting?
Wrestling With God’s Promises
I wrestled with the idea that God is “near to the brokenhearted” (Psalm 34:18) and an “ever-present help in times of trouble” (Psalm 46:1). I met both of those requirements—so where was He?
I imagined Him in the storm with me, in the boat, and I asked:
“Are You sleeping?”
For more insight: read When Jesus Sleeps in the Boat: A Journey Through Faith and Fear in the storm
I was saying the prayers and doing the things, but I kept coming back to one question: How long?
Had I done something wrong? It felt like punishment. I couldn’t understand how I could be going through this—especially right after a fast.
Wilderness Without a Map
Days began to blend together. I wasn’t living—I was surviving. Just trying to make it to the next day, afraid that it wouldn’t get any better. This felt like ongoing torture.
The doctor said I was fine, but I didn’t feel fine.
Who or what was causing this turmoil?
Could it even be... me?
So many questions—but the one I longed for the answer to most was:
How long?
I had been brought into a wilderness with no map and no time frame. Every day I cried out, “This is hard,” and begged for an ETA.
“Soon” Didn’t Feel So Soon
Every time I felt “normal,” I was later bamboozled and reminded: I had not completely left the wilderness.
I heard, “We’ll be there soon.”
But soon didn’t suffice.
I asked, “When is soon?”
He said, “When I say.”
You see, soon is only soon for the one who’s on the way.
A package from overseas may say “arriving soon”—that could be a week.
A friend says, “I’ll be there soon”—that could mean an hour to them, but 20 minutes to you.
Now when a Big God, who isn’t limited by time, says soon...
That could mean whenever He wants.
And honestly?
That wasn’t as reassuring as I thought it would be.
Maybe Today
I started saying it daily:
“Maybe today is the day.”
Maybe today I’d be out of this wilderness.
This was the hardest thing I had ever experienced, and it was nearly impossible not to assume I was being punished.
People had their labels:
Depression
Weakness
Not normal
But the wise ones around me spoke differently.
They said:
“God is testing you.”
“God is opening your eyes.”
“God is testing your faith.”
They told me, over and over again, “You are fine.”
Encouragement That Didn’t Pacify
I found comfort in their words—not because they pacified me, but because they uplifted me without sugarcoating the truth. They told me:
Keep trying.
Keep moving.
Keep praying.
Keep striving.
Under no circumstance: Don’t give up.
I didn’t always welcome the advice—my emotions often drowned it out—but I held onto it anyway.
Each day brought progress.
But just like Peter, the moment the wind blew, I sank—and I was reminded:
“I can’t walk on water.”
Perspective and Pain
Victory was often followed by a fall.
The ups and downs always depended on my perspective, which—at the time—was almost always negative.
How could I be the daughter of the Most High King, screaming for help... and not getting it?
But He had answered me.
Just not at the pace I wanted: SLOW.
I hated rushing God,
But... I was rushing God.
Still I Prayed: How Long?
I felt miserable and still had no answer.
How long?
How long would my head hurt?
How long would my eyes hurt?
How long would I feel anxious?
How long would I feel dizzy?
How long would I not be able to sleep?
How long would I have bad dreams?
How long would I feel weak?
How long would I cry?
How long would I live in this place of darkness, longing for light?
Yet I Still Turned to Jesus
My heart ached.
My faith was weighed.
But I still turned to Jesus.
He called on the Holy Spirit to remind me daily:
I was fine.
Soon would come.
I was not forgotten.
And... maybe today would be the day.
💬Final Thoughts
If you are in a dark place, don't give in! The enemy is lying to you hoping you will walk away from God and see Him as no one to believe in. With whatever strength you have say this:
But I _____________ (name) trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me
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