Miscarriage, Grief, and God's Grace: My Journey to Becoming a Mother

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My name is Belenda Louis and this is my Testimony.

Unexpected Pregnancy: A Story of Grace and Difficulty

Because I'm a Pastor's kid (PK) I am held to a higher regard than other members in the church. More was expected of me as a leader and worshipper. I know what it meant to be in the eyes of many, so you can only imagine the difficulty I faced having to tell my parents I was now pregnant and that wasn't the only surprising news.

The Day Everything Changed: Finding Out I Was Pregnant with Twins

Early In the year of 2016 I was experiencing a massive headache and this was out of the ordinary for me. I went to the ER to get checked. After they ran a few tests I was then met by the doctor with a “congratulations”. I was a bit confused as he mentioned, “you are 12 weeks pregnant”

I had no idea what to think once the doctor left to get the ultrasound technician. I began entertaining thoughts like.

“ I can't keep this pregnancy” or

“God I can't do this”.

Then the technician came in to check me and asked if I would like to hear the baby's heartbeat. Though reluctant I said sure, at that moment I received my second shocking news and that he heard two heart beats. I was expecting twins.

My reality quickly changed.

Telling My Family: Fear, Shame, and Unexpected Grace

I was now excited, and couldn't believe that I would be blessed with two but still had to tell my family. I first told my siblings and later told my parents. Being daddy's little girl I hated disappointing him but, by God’s grace he wasn't as hard on me as expected, my mother.... not so much.

Pregnancy Loss and Miscarriage: Saying Goodbye to My Twins

After a month of managing pregnancy and preparing. I began feeling sharp pain. I was spotting and my siblings took me to the ER. They performed a pelvic exam. Where I was told I was having a miscarriage.

My world crashed. I wanted my babies. I went blank at this point as tears rolled down my eyes. I was now being admitted in the hospital and I had to tell my siblings the horror.

The twins passed the following day. After I delivered them I was asked to hold them and I said my goodbyes. The following day I was given a memory box of their foot prints, photos and other memorabilia to commemorate their loss..

Grief, Resentment, and Running from God

After that I resented God. I was so angry with Him. I couldn’t understand why I had to go through all I did. I felt I was going crazy, I was angry, depressed and longed for anything to numb the pain. I began to spiral and go out and party just to out run the heaviness of this loss. Periodically when I felt down I looked at my memory box to see them.

Prophetic Dreams and a Spiritual Breakthrough

One day my mother told me of a dream she had and in seeing the twins it was revealed to her they weren't mine. I couldn’t understand, however my sister a few days later also said something similar to a dream where God revealed that I needed to get rid of the memory box, that the box represented the reason I couldn’t move on or get rid of the heaviness of the loss and she also said they weren't for me.

Burning the Memory Box: Letting Go to Be Set Free

Though perplexed, I decided to get rid of the box and burn all its belongings.

I prayed, “ God, if this be your will, let it be done and whatever spirit that is hindering me from moving on I rebuke it in Jesus name!”

I felt free after that day. I often told myself I wasn’t holding to them but in reality they were holding on to me. I did a three day fast for God to reveal the truth. By day three I had a sleep paralysis dream of two entities pressing me down. This confirmed that I was previously being held down but I was now free.

Redemption Begins: A New Love and a New Beginning

Fast forward I met my now husband in 2018 and we got married at the end of 2021. Once married I desired for us to grow our family. Due to someone negatively suggested what if my previous pregnancy could have been my only pregnancy.

I fasted and repented to God asking for, redemption, forgiveness and mercy.

I so badly wanted to have children, and to combat that negative words of that person, we tried immediately. Gracefully on Valentine's day we found out we were pregnant. The entire family was happy.

A High-Risk Pregnancy and a Fight for Life

Because of my history, I was considered high-risk, and three months into the pregnancy I needed to have a cerclage put in to assure the success of the pregnancy. However even with the cerclage at 27 weeks I had to be rushed to the Emergency Room where I was admitted and was bedridden for almost 2months in the hospital.

During my stay, there were a few scares here and there and I felt like I was suffocating there but I never lost hope and said if God allowed me to make it this far He would allow me to have this baby.

The Miracle of Harley-Bella: A Premature Birth with a Powerful Outcome

At 34 weeks I asked to remove the cerclage. After getting the approval, I was sent to the operating room (OR). Afterwards I was presented with the opportunity to be induced and have my baby girl.

Because she was premature I had to leave her at the hospital in the NICU to be monitored for further development. By God's grace before reaching week 2 she reached all her milestones as she removed the tubes herself and was ready for the bottle and to come home.

I fought to have our daughter and she fought to be here and God never left us.

The Miracle of Harley-Bella: A Premature Birth with a Powerful Outcome

I thank God for my family who prayed endlessly for me. I also thank my husband who never left my side through this entire ordeal. He endured this alongside me.

The lesson I found is never give up hope even if you think there is no hope to hold on to. With your spiritual eyes hold on a little longer. What you desire will be your reality.

Harley-Bella Cirpris became my reality. I serve a bigger God. His will, will be done no matter what. In spite of what I went through, I became a mother to a beautiful daughter and God redeemed me.

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