From Grief to Grace: A Mother’s Journey Through Trauma, Autism, and Faith

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By Dounia Augustin

The Beginning: A Childhood Marked by Loss

Let me start from the beginning.

Many things transpired in my life growing up—losing my mother, being bullied for my freckles, experiencing abuse, and struggling with low self-esteem.

Having someone as precious as a mother taken away from me caused me to harbor deep emotions: anger, confusion, hurt, loneliness, and sadness—all at once. Because of this, at just 11 years old, I made a vow: never to have kids or even get married.

I made this vow because I didn’t want to lose someone I loved, the way my father lost my mother. I didn’t want to inflict that kind of pain on a child. Loss is too hard. It hurts too much. I wanted to protect myself from ever feeling that pain again.

Grief Without Guidance

After my mother’s passing, I felt completely lost. I didn’t know how to properly grieve, and it showed. I stopped showing up to school and stopped caring about my grades. I went through middle school numb. The way I carried myself reflected that—I didn’t really care what happened to me.

This eventually led to low self-worth and self-esteem, being taken advantage of, and even having to repeat the 7th grade.

My household and family around me were also grieving in their own ways, so I had to navigate these emotions alone. Thankfully, my best friends—who have been in my life since the 4th grade—kept me grounded. I truly don’t know where I would be without them.

Home Was No Longer Safe

I became reluctant to be home. I didn’t want to be anywhere near my father. If I’m being honest, I began to hate him. After my mother’s death, he became heartless toward me and my older sister.

I no longer saw him as a protector. Instead, he became the worst person in my life. I endured both verbal and physical abuse between the ages of 11 and 15. Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore and moved in with my sister.

Finding Escape and a Sense of Belonging

By the time I was in high school, my confidence grew a bit. I had a boyfriend and worked at McDonald’s. I did everything I could to avoid being home. Whether I was with my boyfriend or at a friend’s house, anywhere was better than home.

I loved being at my friend’s house—her parents made me feel welcome, like I was their child.

After graduating high school, I made the decision to attend university in California for music. I was ready to fly the coop and start my life.

A Divine Encounter

One summer night in 2011, while doing late-night shopping, I ran into an old classmate. While catching up, I told him I would soon be leaving for school in California. I explained that I was over Florida and ready for something new.

It was time to choose myself—even if that meant leaving behind friends, family, and my ex-boyfriend of five years. I craved change.

After we parted ways, I remember thinking, “I’m probably never going to see him again.” Little did I know, that encounter would introduce me to the man who would later become my husband.

Redefining Love, Marriage, and Motherhood

That relationship caused me to grow in ways I never imagined. It changed how I viewed marriage and motherhood. I no longer wanted to live with regret.

I wanted to see him as a father and share what he means to me with the little humans we created from our love.

The Gift of Children

God blessed us with four children.

Our first was spoiled—she was my everything. Smart, cute, a quick learner, and an overall happy baby. A year and a half later, we had our second daughter. She was different—cute, chunky, and smart in her own way.

But as time went on, we noticed differences between her and her sister. She wasn’t talking. By the time she was one, going on two, we knew something wasn’t right.

A Diagnosis That Shook My Faith

She was seen by her doctor and diagnosed with a speech delay, so she began receiving help. As time passed, we noticed her behavior was also different. She became upset over small things, noise wasn’t her friend, and she often played alone.

After further testing, we found out she was autistic—on the spectrum.

I couldn’t believe it. I said, “No, not my baby.” I was upset and in denial. I questioned the doctors’ diagnosis. Deep down, I was scared for her.

I questioned God: Why her? Why me? Why us? I even remember thinking, “See, I should’ve stuck to what I said a long time ago—no kids.”

Learning to Trust God in the Unknown

On the outside, it looked like I was handling it well. But deep down, I didn’t know what the future held for my child. She was already a Black child in this world, and now this was added on top of that.

I had to pray and search—really search—for strength, forgiveness, and guidance to accept this reality.

Hope in Her First Words

Two years later, she said her first words. I remember crying tears of joy in the car.

For most parents, first words are expected—but for us, it was a glimpse of hope and faith. Her journey may not look like her siblings’, and that’s okay.

Healing, Forgiveness, and Reflection

At 35 years young, I look back on my life and reflect on all that was taken and all that God has given me.

I went to therapy and did soul-searching. I learned that forgiveness was necessary—not just for my dad, the adults who failed me, or the kids who bullied me, but for myself.

I had to forgive myself for not allowing that little girl inside me to heal, for not giving her grace and patience. I’m not 100% healed. I still experience flashbacks and struggle with fully trusting.

Redemption and Gratitude

But I truly thank God—my children saved my soul.

I am learning to forgive myself and love myself so I can be present and honest with my kids, my husband, my coworkers, my sister, and everyone else in my life.

Thank you for reading and for allowing me to share a little bit of my story—as a daughter, mother, friend, and wife.

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